The Jealousy Factor: Moms, Daughters, and Envy National Parents Center

The Jealousy Factor: Moms, Daughters, and Envy

May 12, 2011 – 3:39 pm

As I was looking around Parenting Pink a few weeks ago, I read an article about mothers and jealousy. The article was written from a mothers prospective and pointed out things to consider if you think may be experiencing jealousy with your own daughter. I quickly related to the article, but from the opposite perspective, as Ive often wondered if my own mother is jealous of my success or resents me for pursing my dreams.

One of my earliest memories is of my mom and dad explaining to me, We get up and go to work every day because its our job. You get up and go to school every day because its your job. And doing homework is part of that job. From an early age, I always did the right thing and acted as I was told. Through this structure and approach to education, I saw many early achievements (high marks on report cards, perfect attendance awards, Young Author awards, honor roll, and academic competitions). My parents always supported these activities and accomplishments with enthusiasm.

It continued into college as I pursued an online mba and even after college as I began my young life as an adult. I was following the career path that I established from a young age- graduate high school, graduate college, get a full time job, start living and paying bills on my own. Even as I began to climb the internal rungs of the corporate ladder, my mother and father continued to give me encouragement and support my career decisions.

So when I was able to land a freelance writing position covering music (on the side, in addition to my regular job), I was irritated by my moms apparent lack of interest. Every time I was given a new opportunity to interview a major band or attend a large music festival, my eager delivery of the news was always met by silence an Oh. Thats nice. Sounds great. Was it because I was deviating from the corporate world and choosing a path she doesnt support? Or was it because I was not only able to obtain a degree and start earning an honest living, but also turn a passion into a hobby (and an additional source of income)?

Furthering my frustration (but not really) was my fathers obvious excitement and giddiness for me. He always asks questions, listens to my stories on the edge of his seat, and ends every session with a genuine, YOU GO, GIRL! So why are the two people who raised me together reacting so differently to something that makes me so happy?

Looking to the instructional piece of Tara Delibertos article, she leaves six tips for helping moms who have feelings of envy toward their daughters. Step one seems like a great place to start, but also seems much easier said than done. Its not easy to approach the topic of jealously in a mother-daughter relationship, much less help her to understand that she deserves to think higher of herself.

So I ask the mothers of Parenting Pink: how would you prefer your own daughter broach a difficult topic such as this one with you?

As a student of Crucial Conversations, I know I need to make it safe for her. In other words, I want her to understand that Im not attacking her and that I really want her honest feedback. I need to cite the facts (Mom, youve never expressed interest in seeing any of my reviews and youve never followed-up and asked how any of the major events I attended was) and tell her how that makes me feel (I feel like you dont support my decisions and that youre not happy for me). But how do I open the floor for discussion? Do you think Ill achieve the results I want by forming my questions like I have outlined above?

Advice, ideas, and tips?

National Parents Center